This rather grim outlook on life affect my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I wasn't willing to ask for things that I needed or wanted. I knew they were both very busy and didn't have time for that sort of nonsense. Of course I could talk to Them about the people I cared about. I knew that my Father and Savior loved them as much if not more than I loved them. But I didn't need their help. I could do it on my own. I wouldn't bother them with my little problems. I knew so many who were struggling far worse than I was.
Nearly a year ago, I learned I had several medical problems, things that had been diagnosed many different ways by several different doctors - nothing really seemed to fit and then we found something that fit. And suddenly I was on the right path, I knew what was wrong and I knew how to fix it. But I was angry. I had spent the last eight years making it worse and not even knowing it. Why had it taken so long? Why did my self-worth have to be torn down over and over each time I failed? Each past failure eating at me the next time I tried something new, scared that I was setting myself up to lose once more. Only to learn years later it wasn't entirely my fault.
I needed to blame someone - someone had to accept responsibility for the past. I finally did what I should have done in the first place; I took my problems to my Heavenly Father and let my frustrations out. I missed feeling at peace. I didn't like have the lump of anger sitting in my chest - it hurt and weighed me down. I couldn't get rid of the anger myself, I needed help. That was a turning point for me; remember I was certain I didn't need help? So I found myself in a position I couldn't get out of on my own. I finally humbled myself and asked for needed assistance.
We have a family friend, Mary, she sat me down for a chat. I had expressed much of my anger and frustration to her and I also told her how I wanted to get rid of it but didn't know how. What did I do with this angry lump? She looked at me and replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "Give it to your Brother." I was a little confused, "Mary I don't have a brother, two sisters - yes, I have a dog, do you want me to give my anger to a dog? I don't think he'll take it." Mary with the patience of a Saint replied, "your Savior, Brother, Jesus Christ. That's who will take it." I with all the knowledge, wisdom and arrogance of a worldly 22 year old said, "Oh, he can only take my sins away." And I was quite certain I had won that conversation and was ready to talk about something less uncomfortable. Mary then pulled out her copy of "Believing Christ" and had me read the following poem about the Atonement:
But why would You do this for me? Because I love you. But it doesn't seem fair. That's right. It's not fair at all - it's merciful. It is, after all a gift. But how can I possibly deserve such a gift? Don't be silly. You can't. You don't. This gift is offered because I owe it to you. But how can I ever repay You? There you go again. Don't you get it yet? You can't repay me, not you or all the billions like you. Gifts of this magnitude can never be repaid. For what I've done out of love for you, you can only love me back and seek to become what I am - a giver of good gifts.
This poem set me on the path to better understanding what the Atonement can mean if used properly. Now I re-wrote this particular part of my talk several times, attempting to express the emotion behind what Mary taught me, and why it was so powerful. If there are words to describe the emotions - I don't know them. But basically I learned to use the Atonement; I learned that I can give Christ my pain and fears - that particular day I gave Him my anger. After giving away this sickening emotion I had an empty place inside and needed to fill it with something positive. So, after my Brother took the anger, he gave me one more thing - he gave me peace.
The peace that He gave me is what I want to share. I want to be a giver of good gifts and the Peace and Love of Jesus Christ is the best gift I can think to give. John 14:27 reads, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." The peace that the Savior refers to is available to us all through His sacrifice and atoning grace.
Now that I had peace in me I began looking for it in my daily life. In my Patriarchal Blessing I am told, "...during your life, most of your joy will be derived from acts of service." I work with a 12-year-old boy named Jared. Jared has cerebral palsy. He has taught me what love is, how to be selfless and what innocence is. Through him I learned what Christ Like Love is. We jokingly call him my boyfriend because I spend more time with him than anyone else and honestly I like him more than anyone else. He has the ability to infuriate me, and then make me fall in love with him in the space of a second. His smile could break any heart. When I or really anyone is around him they recognize what an incredible spirit he has. He has peace and joy in his life. He has his little pleasures and though they seem so simple to you or me - he gets so excited I get the impression that he is trying to jump out of his skin. If I had not had the pleasure to meet and get to know Jared, I would not have even an inkling of the love that Christ has for us. I've often heard that you can't begin to know what love is until you have a child, now Jared isn't my child, but without his example I couldn't understand why Christ would sacrifice himself for us. Knowing that I would turn the world upside down just to see Jared smile, I get a small idea of what Christ feels for us. Loving Jared gives me continual large doses of peace.
All these thoughts and feelings were running through my head in the weeks after talking to Mary while I attempted to comprehend our Saviors sacrifice and why he did it. After spending a few weeks contemplating and thinking deep thoughts, I then concluded that I had figured out everything I needed to know about the Atonement. Then I went through the Temple.
The first time I went to the Temple was an amazing experience. I felt as if I, well I can't really describe it without being incredibly cheesy so in order to avoid cheese I'll just say, Dude! It was freaking awesome! The second time it was still cool but it wasn't as meaningful as the first.
Realizing that once again I was missing important basic principles, I began reading Temple Worship by Andrew C. Skinner, and learned that when we act on behalf of anyone who has passed on to the spirit world, we are acting as the Savior Himself acted - providing a vicarious service for those who could not and cannot now participate in those ordinances and covenants as mortal beings. These ordinances and covenants must be accomplished with a physical, mortal body. Elder David B. Haight said: "Regular Temple worship is one of the simplest ways you can bless those who are waiting in the spirit world but more than that, when we provide the sacred ordinances of the temple for our ancestors we will know the indescribable joy of being a Savior on mount Zion to a waiting ancestor."
President Gordon B. Hinckley said: "I think that vicarious work for the dead more nearly approaches the vicarious sacrifice of the Savior Himself than any other work of which I know. It is given with love, without hope of compensation, or repayment or anything of the kind. What a glorious principle." Can you hear his voice cracking at the end? Oh-it makes me smile. What I learned is we are never more like the Savior than when we minister to the deceased through vicarious service in the Temple, doing for others that which they cannot do for themselves. This loving sacrifice is the very essence of the Saviors life.
The third time I went to the Temple, I again experienced the feeling of peace and love that I associate with my Savior.
Like I said, this has been a year of learning. I learned to love and how to be loved. I am reminded of a line from a film, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and have that love returned." When we love our Brother we then begin to understand His love for us.
